Stars Hollow’s sister town of Woodbridge, has suffered a mysterious outbreak of a mind-numbing sickness. Rory Gilmore, a young reporter torn between making a career and keeping a boyfriend, returns to her hometown to cover the story but becomes trapped as Taylor, the town selectman, quarantines Stars Hollow.
Luke: I don’t know which part of this thing scares me more.
Taylor: Kirk will be in charge of setting up the barricades.
Luke: Oh, there it is.
Lorelai Gilmore (Rory’s mother) and Luke Danes (Lorelai’s boyfriend and father to her unborn child) host a home-cooked meal at Lorelai’s house and muse about Rory’s misfiring love life and ex-boyfriend Jess, when their infected neighbours, Babette and Morey stop by and end up comically impaled on the remains of the chuppah in the garden. Rory tries to call Jess but in the middle of leaving a message the connection dies, only to be replaced with a recorded apology (from town dogsbody Kirk Gleason) that the network is otherwise disposed.
That same evening, Hep Alien Apocalypse are rehearsing very quietly in Mrs Kim’s kitchen for a reunion gig. Gil offers apologies for being late after having made a delivery in Woodbridge and encountering traffic that necessitated an off-road route into Stars Hollow. He blames a grody chilli chicken hero for not feeling well but later on suffers a bad turn and chases band members Lane, Zack and Brian through the maze of Mrs Kim’s Antiques – before succumbing to Mrs Kim herself (Lane’s mom), armed with a teapot and a bandolier of WW2 grenades.
Mrs Kim: No more noisy boys.
Next morning, Stars Hollow’s town square is populated by zombie walkers, among them semi-sentient mumbling versions of Sookie, Jackson and the kids, the reverend and the rabbi, Gil, Zack and Brian (complete with inhaler). With little food in the house, Lorelai, Luke and Rory decide to make a run for the car and load up with food at Luke’s diner. Zombie Babette burbles ‘nice shoes, sweetie’ as they dash across the lawn and burn rubber. Zombie Tobin similarly compliments Lorelai’s shoes as he bounces off the bonnet.
They make it to the sweet shop adjoining the diner but are blocked by Taylor unloading sherbet lemons from a delivery truck. The delivery driver holds out a clipboard for Taylor to sign, but when he hands it back the driver grabs his wrist and chomps down.
With a little scuffling, Lorelai, Rory and Luke make it from the sweet shop to the diner but prepare for a fight when they hear clattering in the storeroom. It’s only Lane and Mrs Kim, who had let themselves in with Lane’s key and were similarly thinking of stocking up and hiding out. Alerted by another murmuring from outside, Luke, Mrs Kim and Lorelai bash a few walkers in the head, one of which is non-Zombie Kirk.
Lorelai: I am so sorry Kirk. You move just like one of them.
Kirk: I only came in for an omelette.
Luke: Didn’t you notice the things walking around out there?
Kirk: Why? Would they make me an omelette?
They stack food onto a trolley but Kirk has started cooking, which attracts an overwhelming number of walkers who smash through the windows. They need a distraction. Kirk figures he has little to live for and runs madly through the square – but is largely ignored.
Lane: They think he’s one of them.
Mrs Kim kisses Lane and singing hymns loudly, runs out and sacrifices herself with a grenade but only gains a short reprieve as the explosion draws more walkers from behind the town buildings. Lane goes doo-lally with regret over her mom and rushes out into the swarm, to the others’ dismay.
Jess smashes his car through the barricade and fights his way across the town square armed with a handaxe. He helps Lane back to the group and says they need to get out of town.
Jess: Never assume anything about anybody. If you ever feel safe, you’re about to get bit.
Jess gives a speech but then Rory saves his life a couple of times. Lane reveals she was bitten in the car fracas. One of the helicopters overhead starts talking. It’s Logan in a small private chopper to rescue Rory but she won’t leave her family and friends and she persuades him to take Lane for medical care – but as they wave goodbye, she turns and they watch the helicopter go down. This creates enough of a distraction for the zombies that the remaining troupe can load up Luke’s truck and climb in. Luke goes back in the diner for a can opener but gets bitten by Zombie Sookie.
Luke: Hey, what have I said about the counter?
Luke: How the counter is a sacred space, my sacred space. You don’t do yoga on the Dalai Lama’s mat. And you don’t come behind my counter. Period!
Lorelai goes in to see what’s keeping him and comes back out a bloody mess. With a steely eye, she takes the driving seat. They pick up both fuel and Gypsy the mechanic (who turns out to be a crack shot with a rifle) at the garage and nearly crash into Michel – Lorelai’s concierge – in his new RV, which he bought in secret after reconsidering the benefits of the old one. As they head out of town in convoy, they pick up Kirk wandering aimlessly around, miraculously unharmed. Lorelai leads, driving Luke’s truck with one hand unconsciously over her belly, alongside Rory and Jess -fingers interlaced. Gypsy and Kirk ride with Michel in his RV, passing a road sign for Hartford.
To be continued…
It’s a few weeks late for Hallowe’en (and about as far off topic as we’ve ever been), nevertheless, I warmly invite any and all contributions – I’d love to hear suggested highlights for this or any alternate Gilmore universe, be it single lines of cool character dialogue, whole scenes or episode synopses – chuck it all in the comments box below.
No rules, feel free to overwrite, borrow or replace – it’s just a bit of fun. Oh and wishing all who celebrate it a very Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!
Pic c/o The WB